PULPIT JOKES

With all of the anxiety and bad news abounding, I thought I might share a few jokes today. If I have told you these jokes before, don’t tell me. I’m old and I’m allowed to repeat myself.

These are jokes I have used in a sermon so they are pretty clean. They all led into some part of the topic I was preaching on that day.

A mom came home from a day long trip while her husband watched the baby. She noticed right away that the baby was in dire need of a diaper change. “Why didn’t you change the baby’s diaper?” Her husband replied, “The box said 12–18 pounds and there isn’t nearly that much yet.” Ronald Reagan said that politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often and for the same reason.

A husband came home from work and said to his wife, “From now on, things are going to be different around here. When I come home I want you to greet me at the door looking beautiful. I want you to bring me my slippers and paper. Then you will cook me a delicious meal. After that you will draw me a bath and towel me dry and tuck me into bed. And guess who is going to dress me in the morning?” The wife said, “The undertaker.”

A wife was shopping for clothes. She took a picture of herself in a dress she was considering and sent it to her husband with the caption,”Does this make me look fat?” He texted her back and said, “NOO.” But auto-correct changed it to “MOO” They never found his body.

There is a knock at the door at 3 AM. The man answers it and there is a drunk who says he needs a push. The man is angry and says, It’s 3 AM I’m not coming out to give you push. Now go away.” He goes back to bed and tells his wife who it was. She says, “You should be ashamed. Don’t you remember a few weeks ago when you needed a push and someone helped you? So the man goes back to the front door and yells, “Do you still need a push?” Yes I do.” came the response. “Where are you? I can’t see you in the dark.” “ The drunk says, “I’m over here on the swing.”

One ore

A little boy came into the house with a tear in his pants. His mother was angry. “This is the third time this week you have ripped your pants. Well this time you are going to fix them yourself. Go to your room and do not come out into they are sewn” A half our later she looks in his room and the pants are flung on a chair and the boy is nowhere in sight. She goes to the top of the basement stairs and notices that the light is on. She yells down the stairs, “Are you running around down there with no pants on?” And a voice replies, “No Ma’am. I’m just reading your gas meter.”